Design

Published on January 25th, 2009 | by Susan Kraemer

18

How to Design a Cold and Moldy Home


It’s not hard to design a suitably cold and moldy home for the family you hate. First, orient your mansion East/West. Make it narrow. This minimizes any chance that sunshine might pierce your Southern flank.

Then pick the stingiest windows you can find and instruct your architect to use them sparingly. Avoid any use of windows on the Southern elevation. One, at the most.

That will keep the sun out.

Sunshine warms homes for free. That’s socialism. Real men use fossil fuel for the daunting task of warming up a frigid family. There’s no free lunch. Tough sh*t.

And when the fossil fuels run out? It will never happen. Real men will dig more up from under somebody.

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